"I dreamed that I was walking down the beach
with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw
footprints in the sand.

But sometimes there were two pairs of foot prints,
and sometimes there was only one. And the times
when there was only one pair of footprints, those
were my times of greatest trouble.

So I asked the Goddess, "Why, in my time of
greatest need, did you abandon me?"

She replied, "I never left you. Those were the
times when we both hopped on one foot.

—Carl Muckenhoupt

 

Discordia has been a tonic for my soul since I was young. It emphasizes, through chaotic thinking, absurdist writings and ramblings, and humor wrapped in mystery, the truly farcical nature of this big and elaborate joke. Or not. I can't remember which.

So who is Eris?

She's a bitch. She dances on your grave and laughs, all the while swigging back wine at a speed that would make Dionysus Himself cringe. She's the one who tears you out of your orderly life by Whatever Means Necessary to show you that to be alive is to move with the river, and that sometimes that means HURTING damnit.

She's a lover. I've been fucked by Eris more times than I can begin to count (you can't make love to Eris, because She doesn't believe you can make love at all — it either is or it isn't), and I'd do it again tomorrow if I could find my car keys. She'll hold you close to Her bosom when you're sad, and let you know everything will be okay. Later She'll walk away laughing and shaking Her head.

Her five-minutes of fame came when the Olympians failed to invite Her to their party (they said Her invitation was lost in the mail, but they were afraid of Her scent — it drives dogs crazy and makes young girls hit maturity too soon). Most Goddesses would have taken it with a shrug, perhaps cried themselves to sleep that night. Not Eris. Oh no, She went out and carved up an innocent golden apple, shattered their punch bowl with it, and laughed through the entirety of the Trojan War that ensued.

This actually happened; Homer wrote a book, and there was a Hollywood movie about it recently. So you don't have to take my word for it. This is not the kind of Goddess you want to fuck around with.

There are those who say Eris wasn't worshipped much between the 4th century B.C., and sometime in the mid-60s. Those fuckers are lying. Every time you see a fork in the road and choose to gallop through the brambles straight down the middle, you're worshipping Her. Discordianism was just a rumbling in the collective unconsciousness' tummy, pushing Her back into our focus for a while.

So what is Discordia? It's like Zen. By which I mean it's a foolish way of getting to an even more foolish end. Most Discordians don't wear robes around or whack each other with sticks to shock them into enlightenment, so you won't get the same respect as a Discordian as you would if you were a Zen monk. Still, the hours are better, and there isn't all that getting-hit-in-the-head-with-a-stick to deal with.

There's a lot of wisdom to be found amongst Discordians. I have no idea where we stole it all from. If you manage to pin one down long enough to ask them, they'll usually mumble something about it emanating from their pineal gland. But I have it directly from the Goddess that this is Bullshit. The pineal gland only existed when the rest of us didn't believe in it.

The Book itself describes Discordia (or at least describes it being described) as both an elaborate joke disguised as a religion, and a religion disguised as a joke. If that sounds post-modern, trust me — it's not.

Disorder, chaos — these comprise Truth. Order confines us, limits us only to ornate lies. When we set our concept of reality by what we feel our concept of reality should be, all we have created is a shadow of a shadow. The Book puts it thusly:

"The point is that (little-t) truth is a matter of definition relative to the grid one is using at the moment, and that (capital-T) Truth, metaphysical reality, is irrelevant to grids entirely. Pick a grid, and through it some chaos appears ordered and some appears disordered. Pick another grid, and the same chaos will appear differently ordered and disordered."

If you want that to be right, then it is. If you don't... well, go fuck yourself, what are you doing reading this crap, anyway? THERE IS NO WISDOM HERE. Thank you.

Eris is my greatest love; She's the one who never lets me down, because I know what to expect from Her every step of the way. She is tapping me on the shoulder right now, asking me to relate Herstory (watch out though, She lies whenever She can).

1. In the Beginning there was Stuff, and Things as well, and the Goddess Eris looked upon this Stuff, and decided it was time to Play. So She began gathering Doodads and Whatsits together and making them into Funny Shapes of Funny Colors for her amusement. Then did She place these Creations into the Oven to Bake for a Goodly Time. Seeing there were still some Pieces lying around, She cobbled together a big Ball, and this She called Earth. And also did she make a Lot of Air to Dance Around in, and this She called Heaven.
2. Lo, when She had scrounged the Earth and the Heavens, and there wasn't much to play around in that was done Baking yet, and She wasn't really into letting it rain because it seemed a bit Chilly already, She created Woman from some Odds and Ends She found lying around, and then She made a Man too because it seemed Silly to have one without the other.
3. And seeing them lying there, not doing anything entertaining, verily did She clap her Hands a few times and say, "Hey, wake up, I'm Bored!" and the Man and Woman became living Beings. And Eris took the Man and the Woman and put them in a Garden, but She took them in through the Back Entrance, because it wasn't Her garden, and the Owner was a bit cranky.
4. And the Goddess Eris did say unto the Man and the Woman, "I have brought you Here, to this Garden, and you may eat from any Tree in the Garden. But you may not eat from... that one." So did the Goddess Eris point to a Tree that was over in the corner of the Garden, growing up against a nice Latticed Fence.
5. But the Woman and Man were confused, and asked the Goddess Eris why it was they were to avoid the tree, and ye did She have no good answer for them, save that She was feeling a bit bitchy, and was Tired after all her Work. As an afterthought, she added, "And if you eat from the Tree, you'll know all about Good and Evil and Death and things that you're better off not knowing about."
6. Then did Eris the Goddess leave the Garden, saying She had some things to check on, and that She would be back Later. Ye, then did the Goddess transform her being into the likeness of a Serpent, and slither back into the Garden. And there did She talk to the Woman, saying unto her, "Hey, you should eat the Pomegranate from that Tree, because it will taste Very Good."
7. Thus did the Woman bring a Pomegranate to the Man to let him try it out first, because she was a very nice Woman. So the Man did bite of the Pomegranate, and as he Bit the Serpent transformed back into the likeness of the Goddess and She did exclaim in a loud and girlish voice, "Gotcha!"
8. Thereby did the Knowledge of Good and Evil and Death come to Man and Woman, and they noticed their Nakedness and were filled with Shame. So did the Goddess Eris say unto them, "Worry not about your nakedness, for your bodies are luscious and ripe as the fruit of this Pomegranate, and to hide them in Shame is to Disrespect Me, your Creator. But hey, I'm not the Boss of you, do whatever You want, man."
9. It was at this point that the Owner of the Garden returned, because He had projects of His own He was working on, and it so happened He was taking a day off to rest. Seeing Him and the foul mood He was in, Eris rushed away, waving to Her creations and assuring them She would be back sometime after tea.

So it is that I am still here, waiting for Her to return to the planet to correct the misapprehensions the Owner of the Garden seems to have stuck in our head. Until then, we'll have to muddle on through with the little bit of guidance She gives us from whatever cloud She's lounging about on.

Discordia is one of four religions I embrace deeply, and it is the one that I think keeps me the most sane and has the most bearing on my every day life. Religion in general seems to focus on matters of such profound importance that it is sometimes difficult to trust them — it's hard to really connect on a personal level with something aimed at your profound enlightenment, or eternal salvation. Discordia, in contrast, reduces the most important existential questions to their barest essence: complete and utter absurdity. As such, it is a warm lover on a cold night, and I think I'll go nuzzle up beside it now, leaving you to your own devices.